When was the last time you faced an anniversary? Last month? Last year? No matter what anniversary passes we feel so many things. Devastated, lonely, left behind, exhausted.
Over the last few weeks, I have been angsty as Eric's death anniversary got closer. Is it the same with you?
It starts so subtly and creeps into bits and corners of my mind and heart and then suddenly it is there, and my body reacts with a meltdown.
This time my meltdown happened at the second store I visited to buy lightbulbs. Why are lightbulbs like the hardest thing in the world?
This was my fifth August 7 without him.
Five years. I thought I would be different. Somewhere. Doing. What? Where? I don’t know.
These thoughts and feelings have knocked me askew. I feel less balanced.
I cried off and on for weeks, anticipating this anniversary.
As the date got closer, I prayed. I talked about it with trusted friends. As these things happened another healthy idea came to mind: my accomplishments. I have always been accomplished. I like lists. So I spent some weeks thinking about what I have done so that I can be proud of myself.
This is the first anniversary my kids chose not to do a family adventure. My son went on a hunt with Eric’s friends while they did a memorial toast to him. My daughter and I brunched, school shopped, then went on to show choir practice, and church youth group.
Here is what I came up with:
In time I learned that God had not forsaken me.
I accepted that which I cannot change even if I exert all my efforts or throw the biggest fit.
I sent my eighth-grade boy to military boarding school because he needed so many things I could not give him.
I went on at least one hundred first dates. The accomplishment was learning that a date didn’t satisfy my longing for my beloved.
I activated a one-year prayer intervention for my son with thirty friends. That year provided leaps and bounds of maturity and growth.
I decided not to have sex again until I am married. Oh this…!!
I cleaned out our family home of all my husband’s clutter and moved across town from ex-urbs, the land of marrieds to a diverse urban old neighborhood. No wedding band and no one notices.
I wrote a book. Out soon!
I became an infinitely better mom and neighbor.
I started two small companies. One with a profit of $255 so far. (LOL)
I feel like I should be so proud of my list, I am. In some ways my list feels ridiculous because it looks successful and I spent weeks feeling like I should or be more.
But why do I still feel like I have a hole in the middle of myself?
I think I am still in shock. I may always be.
“Eric, where did you go?”
I can see my husband and how he would be if I read this list to him. He would laugh and tell me I am a goody-two-shoes-overachiever. I would giggle because I know I have a wiggly butt and cannot sit still.
Recently I wrote a Facebook post about my accomplishments. Please post an accomplishment or two there that you are proud of.
Or send me an email at lisa@thewidowscomeback.com.
Are your accomplishments different than you would have considered before? Mine sure are.
In the meantime, I am going to get up every day and do my things.
Onward on our journeys!
Kommentare